It’s past 11:30. By now, you’d be out of work and you’d call me while you were driving home. As I turn off the lights, I eye the clock as if there is a chance my phone will ring and I will hear your voice. It’s a phantom feeling, a knee jerk reaction, holding space for what is no longer. It’s been months since we fell apart. I’m sure you have a new routine. I visualize you leaving work and I visualize you driving home while listening to soundtracks that inspire you. I visualize you arriving to your place, the one we dreamed of making our home before we ended. It’s a Friday, so you’ll probably be preparing for the weekend. You seem to enjoy keeping busy these days. You might post a story this weekend while you’re off living your new life, hoping I’ll look to see, and I’ll fight the other narrative that invades my mind. I try not to get lost in that scenario anymore.

I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and shut you out. I remind myself that it’s okay if it’s 11:30 and you moved on. My mind just continues to remind me that I haven’t.

Writers note: I wrote this some time ago and while it no longer applies, I thought I’d share it even though it was never meant to be shared. I hope everyone has been sane during theses times. Please remember that even though the times feel difficult, there’s more for you than this. This Bible passage helps me – Ecclesiastes 3.

Photo by Ihor Malytskyi (

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